Deep Thoughts from Jack Handey
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out of it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
When I found a skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
I'm just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope is wearing out is something I call "image fuzz-out." But I've never even seen a radarscope, so I wouldn't totally go by what I've just said here.
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally, you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying though the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.
You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don't even care, do you.
Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune after a little torture.
The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, "What am I doing?!"
I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood that you mean lengthwise loaves. Otherwise it makes no sense.
One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse for a couple weeks.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
One way I think you can tell if you have a curse on you is if you open a box of toothpicks and they all fly up and stick in your face.
The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!
When going up stairs, it's a good idea to kick out your heels behind you so people don't follow too close.
Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go the later you think you are.
One thing about my aunt Nadie: she was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd give it to you.
If you were eating corn on the cob while traveling in a time machine, it probably wouldn't make much difference one way or the other. But my point is, corn on the cob is really good, isn't it!